Kaity's Self Realizations

Hi there,

Being someone in the field of student affairs and having studied student development theories, I found myself spending time the last couple nights examining myself.  Today is Day 3 in South Africa! :)  I am REALLY excited to start my internship tomorrow and get a better feel for my department, and my colleagues, and what I will be working on while I am here.  I can't wait.  However, this weekend, I have had a lot of time to relax, and rest, and reflect on being here.  It has been difficult, in all honesty.  Since we got here on a Friday, we were given time to rest and relax this weekend-- which is very kind, but also difficult for someone like me whose mind was racing with 8,000 questions and worries and ideas.  This weekend has been a challenge for me, and I have questioned myself many times if I can be here for 2 whole months.  Not at all because I don't like it here--the people are SO friendly, the culture is very intriguing, but because of some self-realizations I have had and want to work to overcome in my time here.  The following are my self-realizations (long, but needed to write them out for my own reflection).

1.  I am truly addicted to my cell phone and the internet.  I crave constant communication with others.  I guess I am a bigger "E" than I thought I was.  I love to text and share snippets of my lives with others, and feel very lost and alone when I am not able to catch up with friends and family.  Not having a cell phone was actually anxiety-inducing for me--seriously, no joke!  Pathetic, I know, but it is totally true.  Having the internet in my room has been a saving grace for me this weekend.  Since we haven't met too many people yet, we have had quite a bit of down time.  It has made me feel less alone and more comfortable to be able to email with my mom and sister, and to message with some friends.  There's something about a quick conversation with them that makes me feel at ease.  If I didn't have the internet, I would probably be panicking, haha.  Makes me feel a bit pathetic how reliant I am on technology and communication, but it is definitely a true self-realization for me.

2.  I feel trapped without access to transportation and have completely taken for granted my sense of safety in the U.S.  Let me explain.  We are staying here in the guest residence hall, with people from all over who are guests to UWC.  There is a lovely family from Iraq, one from China, and people from all over South Africa and other African countries like Zimbabwe and Kenya.  Everyone we have talked to has essentially given us the same message:  it is NOT safe for white American people to use public transportation throughout Cape Town, especially at night.  This is the first time--I think that I can ever remember--that I actually feel like I would be sought out as the target for crime or violence.  Generally, wherever I have lived in the past, I always felt a sense of security, or at least as if I was not going to be targeted because of my race.  On the UWC campus, I don't feel unsafe at all.  The campus is very safe.  We went to the Waterfront today (a very nice tourist location) and that was safe too.  But the outskirt town around us is supposedly filled with crime, and the people there are will see us white American students as easy targets.  Therefore, everyone we have talked to has told us that we would be most safe if we travel by car.  They highly recommend we don't take the train or bus, and they say that between 10am and 5pm we might be okay on the taxis.  But, we don't have readily access to a car.  They have offered us a driver for when we want to go out, but that makes me feel so guilty and like we would be inconveniencing someone and taking advantage of their hospitality.  My supervisor also said she could take me to get my license and I could drive the university vehicles.  That would be awesome, although I would need to learn to drive standard and how to travel on their highways....and the left side of the road.  Haha!  So anyway, this weekend has been my first experience feeling like my safety will be in jeopardy if I am not very cautious in the town, and it is one of the first times I have felt the lack of autonomy and feeling of being trapped from not having my car.  It has been 3 days, and I am learning so much about myself!

3.  I don't know how to relax, and I can't stand the quiet.  This realization is pretty straightforward, and it is something I knew to be true.  I guess I didn't realize how true it was until now.  I don't know how to relax. I can't shut off my brain, haha.  But really!  I require constant interaction and entertainment.  If I am sitting still, I am asleep.  No joke!  Having free time makes me anxious.  I like multitasking, juggling activities, always being on the move and occupied.  Having time to just relax has been hard.  But something I think in time I will find to greatly enjoy, and will help me be able to learn to relax when I am back in BG.  I have also realized how accustomed I am to noise.  Whether it be music, tv, personal conversation--I love being around noise and feel weird without it.  There is one TV in our residence hall in the main living area.  I have my iPod, but it wasn't working the past couple of days until I just figured out how to reset it.  There is no Hulu, Netflix, Pandora, or anything like that available in South Africa.  When I am in my room, it is quiet.  I am starting to get used to it, but it is taking time.  I am used to watching TV, while studying, while doing laundry, and facebooking all at the same time.  So, slowly, I am learning to take it slow.  Go with the flow. Hakuna Matata.

Alrite folks, that wraps up tonight's realizations.  I am really excited to work on these in my time here in South Africa!  And, I am just as excited to start my internship tomorrow!  I think now that I am coming to terms with some of these self-realizations, I am learning to cope with them and to take it easy.  I need to be patient and give myself time to adjust and soak in the culture, the people, the sounds, the smells, everything.  This is a once in a life opportunity, and I am excited to be here!  We can do this, I just know it :)

Kaity